A Kyman Chistmanuka Story
by blackmoodring
Summary: WARNING YAOI LEMON LIMENESS BOYXBOY I DO NOT OWN SOUTH PARK CREDIT TO THE RIGHTFUL OWNERS. Merry belated Christmas everyone! I don't consider this one of my better stories but oh well, enjoy! Kyman with mentioning of other ships. Oneshot.


Kyle took another shot as he stared at the same stupid snow in the same stupid place in the same stupid town since he was born seventeen years before. The boy was sitting at Stark's Pond alone on Christmas Eve, as normal. His hand twitched again, but he forced himself to resist one of the last three cigarettes in his pocket. He snickered to himself at the thought of the crap Stan Marsh would be spewing about lung cancer if he knew exactly the kind of best friend he really had…

But that was why he was there alone, wasn't he? Because even though these boys were a few short years away from adulthood, Stan was still acting like a child. Kyle loved Stan like a brother, and would put up with him, but in return Stan would pick Wendy over him. Every single damn time. It was the only time that he'd agree with Cartman about anything, when Wendy would manipulate and break his best friend's heart, Kyle couldn't help but think she was a no good bitch.

But he was as equally pissed off if not in fact more at Stan, the two had been friends since preschool and the asshole would pick his woman if she asked it of him. Unfortunately for Kyle, such a situation has happened enough times to where Kyle no longer really trusted Stan. He still considered him his best friend he guessed, but still, it was such crap.

Kyle wasn't necessarily a bad kid, he did drink, but not like every single day. He didn't ever do any kind of drugs with the exception of one night the year before, unless you count tobacco. He was still getting great grades, and was very smart. However, he did have five piercings on his right ear, a small stud nose ring, he did smoke cigarettes, and he had a bad habit of back talking his mother and sneaking out of his house.

He never thought sneaking out was bad, though. He never went anywhere bad, he wasn't going to sleep with someone or to get wasted until dawn. At least most of the time, anyway. He just wanted to go walk around and calm himself down from dealing with his awful mother. Tonight however was Christmas Eve and if there was one holiday that made his mother _especially _difficult to deal with, it was this one.

_"__Can you believe they only show all these Christmas specials only?! What about some nice Holiday programing!? I hate how our people are always so oppressed on our own holiday! Bubbeluh, no television until New Year's Eve! I can't handle anymore Christmas!" _His mother had demanded while he and Ike were watching a rerun of the Grinch. The idea of anyone getting so worked over about a movie was just insanity, Kyle learned that lesson from his experience watching the Passion of The Christ as a kid. So Kyle had no problem saying to his mother,

_"__It is just a movie. Get over it already."_

Obviously, that didn't settle well with Mrs. Broflowski. It led to one of their many fights that seemed to never end. Ever since he was thirteen, he had enough of his mother's crap. What really was the last straw though was when ten year old Ike came out to his mother as a homosexual. It was surprising to everyone that Ike had been able to figure out such a serious thing at such an early age… but he was a complete super genius and was extremely mature, so perhaps it wasn't as outrageous as it seemed. Kyle accepted him with no problem… their mother however freaked out in extreme ways including sending Ike to counseling. That was it, Kyle no longer cared for his mother.

Then about two years later, things got especially complicated. Kyle discovered about himself that he was a Pansexual… the person who brought feelings to his heart the way it did though, that was its own problem all its own. When Kyle was fifteen, Trent Boyett had been released and attacked him. Thankfully Cartman had come earlier to warn him, and had hidden guns in Kyle's house. Guns that unfortunately had no bullets. Cartman had done the first thing in his head and made out with Kyle, intensely, sending feelings through Kyle's body that still burned his skin. Trent had walked in and was shocked, which gave Cartman the chance to completely beat the shit out of him while Kyle called the police. It was at that time that Kyle also started to become especially rebellious towards his parents, getting involved with drinking and smoking. The two boys never told anybody else or even talked about their passionate kissing themselves to one another, but Kyle thought about it. He thought about it every single day since it happened.

Kyle had so many things opened and explained as he realized why the kissing with his supposed enemy had affected him so much. As a child, Cartman was the only one who ignited a spark in Kyle. Stan couldn't even spark a fire in Kyle the way Cartman could. It only took a few little words, and Kyle's face would be flushed and he'd be screaming and totally obsessed and addicted to whatever bull crap Cartman would start with him. In reality, Cartman's opinion was kind of important to him. It was because he cared about Cartman that it made him so angry when he'd be a jerk… he was Kyle's jerk. Cartman wasn't like anybody else in South Park, he was interesting to Kyle. Cartman was a genius with so much potential and he was just… he was just _different._ For some reason, it just reeled Kyle in completely. On another note, Cartman seemed to be the most honest person to him. Kyle may not always like what Cartman believed or said, but he wasn't afraid to tell Kyle the truth about it instead of lying to spare his feelings. It felt like everybody else did that and he hated. Kyle was also most like himself with Cartman, sure with Stan he was calm and chill, and they could have misadventures too… but in the end, Kyle wanted and needed the fire and passion whether it rage from hate or something a little more complicated than that.

As Kyle took another shot of Fireball he plugged in the headphones of his iPhone and started playing What If by Coldplay. This song made him think so much of Cartman that it would sometimes feel like he was beside him. Kyle's fixation on Cartman was a very big secret that not a single person other than Ike knew about. It had been so bad, Kyle almost made the biggest mistake of his life the previous year. During winter break the previous year, his parents went to their time share in Aspen and left Ike and Kyle home to themselves. Thirteen year old Ike simply said he was going to stay in with his "friend" Georgie, formerly known as Firkle the Kindergoth. Ike had asked Kyle for privacy, which was more than fine with him. Kyle used his new license and car that night instead to go to a Denver night club named Beta. He had just gotten his nose piercing to match the ones on his right ear, and was wearing tight black patent leather pants and a tight green shirt that said Cupcakes, Vodka, and Hakunah Matada written in white on it as well as a black beanie, black bracelets, and even bright green clear lensed hipster glasses. Kyle was having a great time dancing and even managed to not need to buy the overpriced drinks, but the real trouble was when he ran into Kenny. The blonde looked happy to see his friend.

"Dude! You look sexy as hell, I didn't know you'd be out partying! I wish I could stay longer but my ride is leaving!" Kenny yelled to his friend over the loud Ke$ha song.

"By which you mean you're about to go hook up with a random girl you met here?"

"You know me so well, dude!" Kenny responded smiling huge before he turned to leave. He stopped at the last second and turned to his friend again.

"Actually, I have something for you if you want it! I won't be able to enjoy it, but you can. Just so you know though, this is a treat you eat before cheesy poofs if you know what I mean." He then handed him a saran wrapped brownie. Kyle frowned as he saw Kenny already left. Kyle was not a pot person, even though it was legal. Kyle then felt his phone buzz and he checked, seeing clearly that his mother was checking in on him telling him to be a good boy and that they'd talk about his nose ring when she got back. Kyle's eyes narrowed and he immediately ate the brownie. He figured he ate it too fast because things started to be a little fuzzier, and then he felt a euphoria that he hadn't experienced since making out with Cartman. It was about ten minutes later when he looked across the club's dance floor and locked his green eyes with chocolate brown eyes. At first glance, he could've sworn that this boy was Eric Cartman. But as Kyle focused his vision, he realized that it actually wasn't. This guy however, could absolutely be Cartman's long lost brother. The boy was tall with shaggy brown hair, a slightly muscular but also chubby build, and gorgeous brown eyes, wearing a red tight shirt with nice jeans and a rainbow flag wristband. He had great arms like Cartman, too. To an intoxicated Kyle, this handsome stranger was a great Cartman substitute. As the song Slide by the Goo Goo Dolls played, Kyle could remember going over and talking to the guy, finding out his name was Adrian and then he had the guts to tell him he was sexy and ask him to dance.

As the song changed back upbeat to "Blow" by Ke$sha, Kyle barely remembered as he publicly grinded and danced with Adrian on the dance floor, at some point the Cartman look alike had tangled him up in an erotic make out session practically dry humping Kyle in rhythm to the song. Kyle could feel his excitement rubbing against Adrian's as he grabbed his butt.

"Jesus Christ!" Kyle moaned out when Adrian had seductively licked all the way up the side of Kyle's neck and began nibbling his ear. At some point in Kyle's deranged mind, Adrian really had turned into Cartman, and Kyle wasted no time as he pressed against the boy and wrapped one leg around the other boys giving him a kiss that could've stopped time as the beat grew louder. Kyle was too far into his own fantasy to think straight.

"I want you… is there a place we can go?" Kyle begged as he slipped his hand into Adrian's pants and gripped the boy's erection, bringing a pleasured growl from the both of them. As Adrian removed Kyle's hand the brunette dragged the boy out to the parking lot, in the darkest parking place was Adrian's Toyota. The two jumped into the back seat and wasted no time. Kyle, still seeing this boy as Cartman, locked tongues with him again, grinding his erection against the other boy's, before the brunette unzipped Kyle's pants, spit in his palm, and started stroking Kyle, making the boy moan even louder. Kyle was convinced in that moment, he was going to fuck this boy, his mind's Cartman. But then he pushed up Adrian's red shirt over his head and the magic was gone. Right there over his heart was a tattoo of the Star of David. Kyle realized with shock that this boy was also Jewish. Just like that, through his high, Kyle realized what was really going on and realized the seriousness of the situation. This wasn't Cartman. This was just some stranger he met in a club whose virginity he was about to give to in a car at said club's parking lot. Embarrassed, Kyle stopped Adrian and immediately got out of the car, zipped up his pants, and ran away to his own care and was very careful to drive despite knowing he was under the influence to the nearest KFC. Kyle then parked to the best of his ability and ran into the establishment's bathroom to sulk alone in a stall until he sobered up enough to return home.

Back in the present at Stark's Pond, Kyle took three more shots to try to block out that awful night. That was the one and only time he had ever been high and he had no intention of ever doing it again even if it was legal. Not even Ike knew about that story, and boy was Kyle glad he didn't screw that guy. He knew now that if he had, once he'd sobered up he'd have felt like crap. There was only one brunette brown eyed guy he really wanted. The Jewish boy did his next shot in honor of Cartman, hoping he was having himself a very merry Christmas.

"Kyle? Is that you?" He heard. His eyes widened in fear, thinking he had finally drank too much and was hallucinating again. He looked over his shoulder to see with high disappointment and high gratitude that it was in fact Eric Cartman. The now only slightly chubby tall male stood there staring at Kyle a minute before he walked and sat beside him.

"You butthole, why didn't you respond to me? Wait a second, you're drinking fireball? God, what the hell is going on with you?"

"My mom is a bitch." Kyle answered simply as he took another shot.

"Good point, but you know you shouldn't be screwing around with Alcohol, you're a diabetic." Cartman pointed out. Kyle scoffed at Cartman.

"Shut up, fatass! I can do, drink, or eat whatever the hell I want whenever the hell I want so just go back to your stupid tree and gifts already!"

"Oh shut up! You've got your own house with a menorah and eight whole _days _of presents! Yet, here you are, getting drunk alone at Stark's Pond."

"Just go back to your mom, Cartman, I don't want you here!" Kyle took another shot. At that, Cartman was silent and decided to instead sit beside him on the bench.

"My Mom isn't home. She hasn't been home since the twentieth. I don't know when she'll be back, either. If I went home, there'd be nothing there waiting for me, okay? Now can I borrow a cigarette off of you, please? I've been dying for a smoke." Kyle looked shocked over to the taller boy.

"Oh don't give me that innocent doe eyed look. I know cigarette smoke when I smell it, and you smell like it every morning when Stan, Kenny, and I show up for the bus stop once you stomp out your morning cig. Hell, I'll even buy a damn cigarette off of you." Cartman added. Kyle had been right all along, Cartman was the only one he could be completely honest with. The redhead reached inside his coat pocket and pulled out his pack and gave him one of his last three cigarettes.

"No payment necessary, consider it a Christmas gift." Kyle said the last part rather sarcastically as he withdrew a cigarette for himself and Cartman lit them both.

"Your Mom has really been gone that long?" Kyle asked after taking a drag.

"Yup. So what about you? Why are you here all alone? Your Mom must be going out of her mind."

"She is. That's why I'm here. I don't want to deal with her bullshit, so here I am, trying to drink her annoying voice out of my head."

"Won't work. I've tried drinking your annoying Jew voice out of my head before, somehow the alcohol makes it louder."

"If I wasn't so determined to keep calm I'd punch you in the dick for belittling my people, fatass."

"I'm not even fat anymore. The insult is stupid, outdated, and incorrect. You need to get some new material." He took another drag and blew the smoke right into Kyle's face. Kyle gave a sarcastic smile in return.

"Jokes on you, asshole, I _like _the smell of cigarette smoke." The two then sat there and smoked for a while before Cartman finally turned to Kyle again and surprised both of them with what he said next.

"Want to come to my house? If you're going to get wasted, it'd be better to do it inside a home where the cops couldn't easily pass by and see you. Besides, it's warm and I made cookies. I also have television." Cartman reasoned. Slowly, Kyle found himself smiling lightly and nodding yes.

"That actually sounds really nice. Why not? Nothing else could piss my mother off more than hanging out with the town Nazi." Kyle responded as the two stood up. Kyle was proud to be able to control his liquor and walk only slightly off balance alongside Cartman as the two walked and smoked together back down the familiar streets to his house in silence. It was unusual for them, but also calming as the crunch of their shoes against the snow as they walked was the only sound between them. Kyle couldn't stop himself from thinking about how badly he wanted to hold hands with Cartman. How much he wanted to scream, how much he wanted to kiss him, bite him, everything. Kyle wanted passion. As the two approached the familiar dark green house Kyle could feel himself slightly pick up the corners of his mouth in a smile.

Cartman unlocked the front door and let them in, making sure to turn on the heater and lights. The familiar yellow walls were almost like the sun coming out of the sky to Kyle who found himself on the light brown couch after removing his shoes. He noticed the cross behind him on the wall and almost burst out laughing, but instead put out his cigarette butt in the ash tray on the side table along with Cartman's. Cartman then sat beside Kyle and looked over to him.

"Want some cookies?" He asked simply. Kyle in his drunken state couldn't help but start the fire.

"Why are you being so nice to me? Is this some kind of trick? You're trying to give me sugar, are you trying to kill the poor kid with diabetes? Huh?"

"No, I am not trying to kill you. In fact, if anything, it seems like you're trying to kill yourself. Do you realize how much sugar is in alcohol?"

"Oh haha, way to turn everything around on me again!" Kyle snapped as he took another shot before Cartman took the shot glass away from him.

"Are you really going to complain about the sand in your vagina after I had the decency to invite your Jew ass into my house on Christmas Eve!?" He yelled. This was why Kyle came here, and he knew it. He could feel the fire burning in his stomach. Kyle faced Cartman after taking three more very large swallows straight from the bottle and then giggling, completely losing his self-control.

"You really are a dumb fat ass… you don't see the way I look at you? The way I watch your fantastic ass move when you walk down the hall? The way I have to hide my erections when you start to fight with me… How badly I'd _love _to just rip your shirt off your sexy mature body and just…" The redhead was cut off by plump cupcake flavored lips crashing feverishly into his as the two started to engage in what felt like electricity flowing through their veins instead of blood connected by their lips. Kyle could feel himself tangle his fingers into brown hair as he pulled slightly, making Cartman open his mouth and Kyle greedily exploring every inch of the cavern with his tongue. Cartman of course though fought viciously for dominance, still fighting with Kyle, even then. Finally Cartman was forced to pull back for air.

"You are really sexy when you talk dirty like that, Kahl…" He said Kyle's name slow and seductively before nibbling on his ear. Kyle smirked and giggled in delight.

"I knew it. I totally knew you were into me, fat ass…" Kyle teased slightly before kissing him again. Cartman growled low as he continued to nibble on Kyle's skin before lifting him off the couch bridal style.

"Kahl… I'm not going to do anything to you while you're drunk. It isn't right. I can't violate you… as stupid and gay as it is, I've… I've cared so much about you… I've been in love with you since we were children."

"Cartman, this isn't about the alcohol. I've wanted you for years… I've wanted you since the day you kissed me those years ago… I need you. Now. I'm in love with you…" Kyle demanded as he wrapped his arms around Cartman and kissed him again. Cartman didn't need any more convincing as he carried Kyle up into his room and laid Kyle down on the bed. The redhead looked up into his brown eyes and had no issues undressing. Then, finally, the two engaged in the most passionate and steamy night of their young lives, Cartman pumping himself deeply into Kyle's tight virgin hole as the redhead screams loudly through the house, feeling more passion than ever before in his life.

"Merry Christmas, fatass." Kyle said as he cuddled and shared the last cigarette he had with his boyfriend.

"Happy Hanukah, Jew…" Cartman responded as he enjoyed his part in the cigarette.

"…I love you…"

"I love you, too."


End file.
